The morning tea thrown onto me (to homeless)
Before I even start up with explaining my (legitimately very serious) crisis-point situation, here's proof to everyone that I’m worth something, that I’m an artist not just a beggar, https://viechimere.bandcamp.com/ .. I spent several days in a row working on developing a few of my new songs for sharing, and added them to my 8 original songs from my award winning album Dreamer Queen Not Under the Machine (remastered) - plus a few cool new remixes (I’m especially excited about Don’t Read My Lipstick hot blues 2026.)
By the way, though Dreamer Queen has been the stage name in the past, Vie Chimere is my new artist name - is means ‘Life Chimaera’ (in French, my mother was French) it's very me and I've been in love with it, waiting for the right time to announce that, though I didn't expect it to be now per se…in fact it’s not ideal at all but what can I do. Here we are. I am Vie, as an artist, and no matter what happens, at least now she lives on because I managed to release with the name ...
Yes I do stuff other than somehow ending up being faced with the prospect of sleeping outside, in one of Victoria's 'legal' parks ... it feels so degrading and it’s very painful to have to talk about, but it’s also very serious and has been very compromising to my health. If I am to have a shot at completing my second album I need stability. There’s a lot that has happened, much of it truly out of my hands, that has rocked my foundation and made it difficult for me to have the stability I need to pursue the hopeful plans I have. I have already been doing a lot of work on my music secretly, for months, as well as doing a nutrition course so I can consult (including by distance, such as zoom, which will be helpful considering my physical limitations.)
If I can make it through this I've got big hopes and dreams, and a lot to give, some of which I've already been gradually attempting to chip away at before all this suddenly went down as it did (and I got thrown out with no time to prepare.) I still have lots of exciting great music yet to be shared and heard - far beyond the few sampler songs I added to the current album I have dropped on Bandcamp (which is currently officially attached to this emergency fundraiser) which I have shared.
However, it’s kind of hard to follow through with those things entirely when you’re mind, body and spirit have been completely shellshocked by a sudden and massive housing displacement issue… I long to have a base camp where I can go at it... and at least moderately better equipment to do so. :''( *internal screams*
In the past I was cornered into fundraising (in some desperate times when I was very ill) because unfortunately the medical system failed me so epically regarding my rare disease, that they refused to believe me and had written nasty things in files (a story I could and will write a book about when ready - I already plan to discuss my experience in vlogs soon.) I proved my truth and won my battle, though I should have never been forced to fight for it they way I had to, wasting years of time taken away from my children, my music, even my own personal healing. It wasn’t fair, and I even learned that I could have benefited more but missed out due to time limitations ie the statue of limitations. Yes, I had a strong medical malpractice case there after what that psychiatrist did to me .. you know, when she um, character assassinated me .. and nearly killed me in doing so. In the end I was 88 ibs and on the brink of death, I kid you not. I had a lot to reverse. I have always wanted to write a book about it called 'near-fatal mislabel' but I haven't yet been able to muster the guts to finish it. I will when I am ready. I learned and survived a lot, and have a lot to offer.
We’re in a recession now, and I realized that go fund me won't get me anywhere, but it hurt so bad how little people seemed to care, it made me angry too.. I need to spread my message beyond a small, familiar circle. Many of which are also just too maxed out themselves, and some of which maybe shouldn't be my friends .. but I’m trying.
I am so tired of the five week cheque gap with disability, it is so brutal, especially in a recession. However, My bodies been through the wringer and I’m feeling rough - I don’t know how much outside sleeping in the cold my body can take like this. Luckily, my fur babies are safe for the time being, as I have placed them in safe hands temporarily (fosters) until I can get things sorted. As hard as that is on my heart, it’s what is best - for them, and for me because worrying about and watching them is more stress for me right now, too. In the specific situation that is really tough (but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to reunify with my babies as soon as I can, I miss them so much!) My sweet fur kids. Mama's coming! Please hang on!
As some may know, my Ehlers Danlos syndrome is not a mild case. I have an EDS heart and circulatory system and being in this position is pretty serious for someone like me most especially.… I am also at risk for seizures I’ve only had a couple in my life , but during the end of the time that I was with the certain parent mention here, my stress levels are so high that I felt like I was going to have another one. I’m starting to feel that way again. I’m not being dramatic in fact I’m trying really hard to be tough. I’ve been yearning to get the stability that I need housing wise especially so that I can start up again with my music, even with my YouTube videos like I used to do. I have so much more to do and say and I’m starting to feel ready.
With Vie, I finally find myself, So that brings me a sense of peace. Back to the seriousness of the situation however….and also, I didn't initially know that vi/vir is a pronoun, which is a singular gender neutral pronoun meaning 'semi masculine' .. I very much relate with this. I personally have a hard time with 'they' because my autistic brain takes the plural sounding 'they' too literally. vi/vir is great for me, though again, I don't need for it. However, it is nice for it to be used on me, and I am more than happy about it when so.
Back to far more serious matters like current homelessness though; I cannot begin to emphasize how urgent this is, or I wouldn’t even have attempted a go fund me which I now feel mortified and heartbroken by. Even though I am grateful to the four donors who did care enough to be moved into action (two were direct to me, which is what gave me the idea to just move over to that route.)
Even though I like to pretend that I’m not as sick as I am, I am indeed pretty chronically ill, and I'm always pushing myself so hard with an often underlying feeling of dog poop that I try to disassociate from. I even manage to rise above it half the time, like the man walking on hot coals .. music especially genuinely heals me and allows my body to almost somewhat 'physically forget' that I'm sick... cause it's to the point of having a port implanted in my chest (which is scheduled to be accessed at the hospital tomorrow.
I already missed my medical team appointment last week, at my GP/team. Well when it comes to that, I'm finding their actions quite unfair. The receptionist does not let me get a word in when I try to explain that right now especially, I really need the flexibility of having an appointment time carved out for when my support worker hours are on schedule, so I can get a ride out there. It's far away, and a lot of effort. There was a big kerfuffle with my meds being shorted that last time and ironically I was so sick I slept through the early morning, not-during-my-support-time-at-all appointment they stuck to me and demanded I somehow get to. In this state right now. Honestly, it is so fucking ableist, and from a doctors' office? That is frankly unacceptable. Unfair, and unacceptable. They're support to be this special team to serve people like me, you would think they would know how to accommodate, and if they can't, they're failing. Full stop.
At this point, as much as I don't want to lose a doctor whom is admittedly pretty great if and when I actually get to see him, I may have to start looking elsewhere, for something closer, easier, that can actually work with me time wise. This isn't fair. It isn't.
Anyway.. I’ve ended up in big trouble, and here is what happened, It was very horrible, shell shocking, angering, painful ...
Two weeks ago, I was thrown out onto the street pretty much, with very little warning. I’d been staying with family after off grid living had fallen through. The plan was not to stay with family, it was to come down and take over a motor home… the problem is I was left in the lurch by the woman who promised I could do that but instead brutally screwed me over (more about that below.) How can a father do this to his daughter? Don't ask me cause frankly I don't know.. I couldn't do it to my sons, and I would never. Yeah, it hurts. But you can't change a narcissistic person… and the cruelest part of it is that he waves (toyed with) me regarding 'help' in my face. Told me he'd help me with a trailer...IF... I ditched my "disgusting" furry loved ones. I could never. So I was as good as trash. and, out with the trash! (according to him.)
(Just to note so we are extra clear, he did add to that by saying the trailer notion was 'off the table regardless' and the real reason, as I found out, was over Christmas, whilst I quite literally broke my toe decorating his place beautifully for the season, he racked up the credit meant for the price of that trailer on high-end anti-aging products for himself and his beloved, also super abusive to me girlfriend .. and he needed something to blame so my furbubbies became 'it' .. but anyways..there goes that housing plan! and it apparently was my fault, too. Lol.)
So.... for two weeks, I have been in a position of being forced to impose on my friend who is himself very vulnerable though also very concerned about me. He has seemingly been one of the only ones to care, and has suffered stress because of it. He was the one to initially attempt the (failed) anonymous fundraiser... It was upsetting for him. He tried. We tried. He simply is at the end of his rope. I cannot do this to him anymore. I must now remove myself from the situation, or his tenancy will be in huge jeapardy. We can't have that. I will not be able to live with myself. I have already put him through enough, and I hate it. I don't want to do that to anyone.
I just want to be in a position where I can comfortably live, with my fur babies, art, and give out to the world in the ways I feel this sad world needs. I don't want to be a burden. I want to be empowered, and in turn to empower others. There is such a horrible shortage of this in the disabled world. It's just heartbreaking.
SHAME on the system for even putting someone in such a position as I am in now.... I'm far from the only one believe me.. but I resent this.. and it really does hurt. I dream of freedom like nothing else. I have fought so hard, for SO long. I have lost a lot; time, years, even teeth...If only disabled folks would be given better alternatives, opportunities to live... If only. and no, NOT just when they already come from 'family money' ....Not to pit disabled against disabled or anything but really, and truly, being disabled WHILE also poor? There is little more cruel, folks, There really is.
I have been scared right now, though I'm getting braver as we go. I am hurting a lot right now, my emotions waver but I try to keep them under wraps cause I have to survive. I had a kind of bad meltdown the other day cause I hadn't slept much, and a nurse and my infusion was really insensitive about me going off to deal with bank issues and coming back with my IV pole a little over time to be de accessed. I was trying to prevent things from bouncing FFS! Sometimes I was to scream at someone like that IF ONLY YOU KNEW .. (like the tattoo on my inner right forearm says, and for good reason in my life.)
I am under so much stress right now..falling through crack with doctors.. but I stood up for myself the other day. They wouldn't find time to see me, no .. but they did send the pharmacy that is delivering all the pain and other pills in my bubble [ack to the shelter an antibiotic course (I have a chronically infected toe - plus a healing broken one - embarrassing but true) and I have not much proper food until just recently when I finally got my disability and bought a bunch (but now I am stressed about the money it took out of me, when I am trying to be housed other than that craaaazy eek shelter. I mean really, again, if only you knew.
As a diabetic, dairy and gluten intolerant, mast cell histamine issues.. and so my own very particular 'list' altogether I needed some Rosie Vie food.. I won't go on. Unfortunately, the way my friend and I eat is very, very different. I near starved at his place. So I am now trying to make up, plus I think it's my 'moon time' on the horizon. I feel it in every way. Ugh. I have a slew of food intolerances, so quite frankly in order to not impose on anyone I went without proper eating for days.
Any donation helps, Any share helps; the very first fundraiser (which I tried to do anonymously, to save my pride) well, it did not work. Not a single donation, none. I felt terrible, I can't lie. I felt like I must not matter at all... and for that reason I flogged for days on music to prove that perhaps I could be worth something...and, at great risk to many things, I now show my true face. My true identity. Yeah, it's me. Rosie. My ultimate goal with this? Oh man. Just sanctuary. Just safety .. but most ideally, if I could raise enough to get a home of some kind. A decent trailer, a tiny home. Heck - a yurt (those are super cute actually! You could put solar panels on the roof, too!) I'd love that tbh... but also, I really believe in the music. I know a few others that really hear it do, too.
I don't expect to be a Beyonce or something, nor do I want to, but I think I could be a Grimes even... well, I doubt I'll ever snag an Elon Musk (I didn't mean that part, I meant her, pre-Elon.) Or, Feist. Or Lights. Maybe it's harder cause I'm autistic, and I have a childlike heart.
I worked hard for nearly a week straight so that I would have something to give back, to prove to you that I am not just some unworthy money begging tragic loser gal whose just made stupid decisions and is now whining about them. No. Okay, maybe I am too much of an idealistic, maybe I am guilty of that. But I have also genuinely worked hard! Many times over! and I don't know why this crap luck just keeps on beating me to this extent. Actually, not to sound crazy but I think I do know and I am starting to think it's spiritual warfare, so I have started praying again. It seems to be helping. I am saying "God loves me, Jesus is with me, Mom is with me, Dylan is with me too" (the two people I lost recently, how I miss them. I feel them around me though.)
... It's like I am not meant for this world, and in a way, part of me wants to leave it...join them .. but do I give up yet? How can I, when there are still things to do, say, accomplish. I really have tried, and wish to keep trying.
I know this all started when I bought that trailer and tried to go off grid .. people warned me not to do it, cause of my disabilities. I know, I know. But I tried hard guys. I really did. I even got rid of the 'bad boyfriend' who had initially came with me, and totally quit drinking (his hourly temper tantrums were stressing my nervous system out so badly that I was being an foolish wine-o nightly for about a month, but I did not want that continuing on, so I cold-turkey’ed quitting that all while being at home in the trailer since I declined hospital care due to the fact that there was no one to look after my little darlings, meaning the fur babies.) and today? I rarely drink, I'm actually on meds that make me extremely sick if I have more than two beverages (and that WAS intentional, because I want that garbage out of my life, and to deal with and face my traumas and high-empathy/anxieties head on in better ways!) so just in case you were wondering. Just to be SUPER clear there. As for any other drugs, even pot, I don't touch anything! Well, not other than the meds I have to take for the (unfortunate) disease/s I have to live with (Ehlers-Danlos syndrome with POTS, autoimmune and mast cell complications)
Regardless of it all: I just wanted to be NORMAL. I just wanted the freedom so many have... the freedom I watched people I went to high school with go on to have in their lives... and I really tried. I definitely would have preferred a tiny home to a trailer, but I took what I could get, and I tried.... but then, that horrendously cruel EIGHT MONTH LONG Cowichan valley bus strike threw a nasty wrench in my plans, because of the fragility I had with total lack of link to the outside world (minus the ability to drive) being a big problem for me (but hey, I got real close to braving driving, even though my upper spine is messed to the point I can't properly turn my head - unfortunatley - that same ex BF took off with the very first vehicle I had ever bought for myself, my beautiful 1250 dollar 'dragon' 4 by 4 *tears*... and to this day Ido not know what became of 'her')
Frankly, there should be a class action regarding the harm that bus strike caused to people in the area. Some people were horrifically harmed; You had women hitch hiking to work to feed their kids etc. Becoming housing displaced. Like me. I mean come on. Shame on you BC Transit/Transdev/Government of BC .. You couldn't have forcibly ended that sooner??
Anyway. I tried. I worked my butt off, even with hardships.. on that farm. Even when farmer "John" (we will call him that, as he very much values his anonymity) expected so much of me. I bent over backwards for him at times. He needed the help, for real, and I cared! He's old, he should not be doing all he does, and he does not receive enough help from any family etc.. so, if I could have, I would have helped him MORE. To me, that place is still a second home (if only I had the money I needed to properly repair the trailer/area around it.) For reference, I will drop a non-identifying pic of the scenery around my 'other home' below (the stars at night in Cowichan Bay - aren't they gorgeous?)
Obviously, I was devastated, and left in the total lurch! I sent her a text back "you are one soulless bitch" .. Can you blame me?? cause that was a soulless thing to do to someone. Over a lil more cash? If I were her?? I could never ... I mean, HOW could you .... I went into total shock/depression and could barely get out of my ex hubby's bed for four days after that news. I didn't know WHAT to do, for ANY of us. Me. The fur bubs (most especially.) and then what followed was (after losing many of the bubbies to the SPCA in a way that tore my heart out and wasn't supposed to happen the way it did.. and though I managed to hang onto a couple) I had to be a months-long punching bag to a resentful narc PD parent. This was because somehow, BC housing found out I was stuck at ex hubbies. Oh my did I ever get into trouble... and now? I am kind of blacklisted via them. Even though the whole situation wasn't really my fault, and it was NEVER intended, had Gail (yep, let's name her! she's soulless - so why not?) not screwed me so bad.
So my father (very resentfully) took me in. He hated every minute of it, and I was made to feel like the bane of the planet. My confidence is still really shaken. The names - ingrate, loser, pill popper, pathetic, cripple, etc etc ring in my brain. It hurts. I question my existence, but there are still things I want to do IN this world, and for this (very messed up, sadly) world ...
It’s hard to know where to go from here, all I know is I need to fight for a new beginning regardless of whether anyone helps and even if no one does because I don’t think I can rely on that.. though we get so little on disability it’s pretty hard to start without outside help. Plus, the government seems to think that on top of giving disabled folks SO very little to live off, it's okay to make us wait not four, but FIVE weeks in between any cheque. It's so messed, if you only knew .. In this economy the five week cheque thing is literally killing us... but anyway...
Sometimes, I feels like no one seems to care much about me (other than men who think I'm 'pretty' and wanna you know what, but guess what - I'm a person! But, I'm not the sugar baby type. It just feels so dishonest.. In fact, when all this went down, that (sugar baby route) was suggested to me twice, and I was even given a couple names. but... I just can't. You gotta really love someone, you know? Not to sound rude or anything, but I cannot and will not 'hook’ my way out of this, for any reason, even if people say/think I have the looks to do something like that (with all the crap my body is going through, those are gonna fade soon too most likely... and that hurts because in a way I feel like they're ‘all I have left’ sometimes)
To sum it up though: I’m passionate music artist, advocate, mother, friend and human being .... I am indeed guilty of being a bit of a bleeding heart. I just can't help it.. I try to hard to be nice to the people at this shelter and when they are in a bad mood and turn on me, it almost always makes me cry. Like the other night with this woman, we will call her Becky. All I asked her was something simple and she snapped at me ... anyway .. I'm not stupid either, but I am somewhat hopelessly childlike. It's my autism (and that is diagnosed, just to verify.) but I have very little money, no home, very little food, and I truly am homeless - I am screaming into a void and it feels like no one's been listening. I never thought I would say these words. I never thought I'd arrive here. I wonder why I deserve it. No one should deserve this kind of thing, unless they really are a horrible person who harms others in terrible ways, and I know I am not ...
I have survived a heck of a lot in my life. Unreal stuff... but this is a new climax I never thought I would get to. It's a miracle I'm alive at all, I don't even know how it's possible. After years of dealing with a rare disease in poverty, with almost no support from family (I have been the family scapegoat - the one in the family who gets singled out for being sensitive, with a strong moral compass and questioning the toxicity of the rest of the 'family system', for years, which is painful.)Then there were the years of my chronic illness and pain not being believed and fighting until my truth was not only confirmed but the medical system was essentially apologizing to me.
By 2022 I ended up in so much pain that I considered MAiD (medical assistance in death) before signing my life over to 'the hardcore' stuff (pain medicine) in order to not lose my mind entirely (and will be on this stuff for the rest of my life, which I have had to accept is my reality.)
I’ve had to educate myself on how to live like this, having to learn about things even when info was hard to find .. and press on in spite, as it is... isn't that bad enough? All of that took me so far away from my real dreams (music..I would give anything... my first steps as a baby were to a piano, and hairbrushes were 'microphones') In spite of ALL the torture of being a misunderstood neurodivergent woman whom is financially NOT fortunate whatsover and has had little to no family support... I thought I'd made another family when I met my hubby and brought him into the country from another country - we had two children - but when my illness got too hard for him he ultimately abandoned me, which broke my heart.
In spite of it all...I eventually managed to not only self produce a music album, but win an award for it (Rampage Awards - Best Indie Pop Album 2024, by vote!) Frustratingly, I still haven't made the money I've hoped to, though as of late, though I am finally learning more about how I can possibly make money as a freelance artist, even by writing for others. Not to mention other things such as the nutrition stuff. But, I wasn't even given the time or grace to put any of this into action. I get picked on. For being me. I don't get it, I mean I do, but I don't. I'm real, I can't help it... I don't have that 'filter' .. I wear my heart on my sleeve and it gets continuously punched.
Only music has kept me going. Only music… We tried to make a fundraiser..in a way that did now jeopardize my personality identity or potentially risk my current status.. No one listened. It hurt.
Only a song I wrote, which is my 'fight song', which I tried so hard to produce with quality, with a crappy 2009 mac nearly crashing and a sub adequate mic, I could only do my best (and I present it as a demo.) For days I have been trying to 'put together' new music so that folks wouldn't think I'm just this loser who is begging for money, without proper equipment studio wise, I still managed to finish up a few beautiful new songs, music is life to me and if it were not for my music I would not want to be here nor would I be.. including a French ad-libs ode to my recently deceased mother (Nuit Celeste) and a song called Windchill - poverty, social discrimination and social oppression, systemic oppression, gatekeeping, generational trauma survivors being looked down on etc..that is the 'manfactured Windchill vs. the financially secure and elite's 'summer breeze' problems (people got divorced, sad yeah, but they can afford therapy for the kids and no ones' getting beaten, molested, starved etc) There's a dignity in survivor-dom we're seldom afforded and we're fighting to reclaim it in order to grow and be deemed deserving of growth and more adequate security.
It is the most important song I have ever written in my life; my fight and declaration song, and if anything happens to me, it's at least out in the world in some form. I wanted to make it 'great' but after many days straight of trying, with my limitations in equipment etc, I only managed 'decent' vocal production wise especially, to some degree audio. I am proud of what I did in spite. The potential is represented; though wish I could've done better and long for when I can.. the demo is there along with my 8 track award-winning indie pop music album Dreamer Queen - Not Under the Machine. Folks will have an entirely remastered version of this, plus 4 new awesome remixes of some songs, plus a few new ones I have created under insane duress (and in spite of it) Voyage, Nuit Celeste (the one for my mama), Tame the Beast (an add from my original archives) and Windchill, the most important.
The Windchill is the cruelty so many are facing, the effects of the trauma and the battles fought due to it, the self fulfulling prophecies to either break out of or be stuck in and swallowed by forever, the "Windchill" all who fight to exist in, who do not have comfort handed to them, and for some messed up reason get looked down on due to this.
I couldn't take it anymore, and I had to make a song about it. Hopefully I will live to produce it to it's FULL state, beyond just Band Lab on my phone, beyond a crappy microphone that I had to dress with a sock, beyond the mercy of my friends' apartment floor in a sleeping bag, trying through tears to record the lyrics.
I was in fact trying to make a second album, planning to record, to get myself out of the massive pickle my failed off grid attempt (and all financial resources going in it) has cost me...
.. I was rudely interrupted by hot tea being thrown in my face, all over me and all over my computer keyboard (which a frantically dried up with a towel, though it mostly seemed ok it did damage my space bar a bit because I have to press it very hard now for it to work) two weeks ago, being told I am a worthless person, an 'ingrate', and that I should "go back up to the broken down trailer because you made your grave" .. no, not bed, he did say grave. That person, sadly, is my father. The one living parent I have left is sadly a pretty cruel person .. .
He hated having me staying with him.
I am coming forward as me now, in spite of whatever consequences could follow, because I will not survive much more time out here on the streets.. in this rough shelter. I'll go mad. I'll try not to. I guess.
If I were to be able to live on, I would want to do so much good in this horribly messed up world.
I am autistic, vulnerable and have almost no one. Tonight, my 'husband' handed me divorce papers. Nice timing. Sensitive. It really, really hurts. I almost want to joint those I love who are already gone... but I can't. Instead, I wrote a song about my pain. Part of me has felt like I don't know if I even want to keep fighting, but in that the fire burns brighter.
My fur babies are waiting for me.. I have to carve the saving grace I want so badly, myself. Like Jane Fonda's character in that movie I can't remember the name of right now. I hope some folks will meet my reach halfway.
I don't even want to put a goal on any 'fundraiser', I just have to freelance busk hustle, and be..
I even have a medical letter about how they are my only source of unconditional love due to familial abuse. I hope that's enough for some landlords to be flexible. It's hard.
Anyway. I have said enough. It's time to shut up and leave this with God/the universe. I can only hope that God loves me enough to do something good for me, through people. You don't even know how much I will give back if I make it through this one. I owe the world. I can't leave yet. Please help. Thanks for listening, if you did. Cheers, Love and Light.
- Rosie Vie
- viemusic.org
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